In light of my New Year's adventure, here are forty-five Finnish cultural quirks should you ever make the rather insane decision to travel here in the middle of winter...
1. The clothing to thermometer ratio is thrown way way way out, -5˚C is now considered "warm".
2. Pizza is served un-sliced and they eat it with a knife and fork, even when it's takeaway.
3. Coffee is not just an anytime thing but an all of the time thing, and when you visit you'll understand why.
4. They wash their dishes and place them straight into a cupboard with metal drying racks to drip onto a metal bench top and sink below. Genius. No more dirty tea towels.
5. A "sunny day" in January is somewhat of an oxymoron, it means freezing weather and a sun that inches above the horizon for no more than 4-5 hours, nevertheless it's rather beautiful provided you have enough clothes on.
6. Every house, town house, apartment, etc. has an entry hall or room with coat and shoe racks for both residents and guests. How lovely.
7. They drink juice warm. Alcoholic juice, of course.
8. There is an eerily strong sense of community, yet a very distinct lack of everyday communication. Small talk is not a thing. Smiling to people on the street is not a thing. Well, it is a thing if you do it, but it's received with a great deal of both apprehension and confusion such that you wouldn't continue to do it. Though I will.
9. They are a society based on function, not on beauty.
10. Cheese comes in a large cylindrical fashion and is sliced with ease thanks to a fancy little cheese scraper gadget.
11. Rye crisps are the most delicious things you'll ever taste, particularly with a decent smearing of quality butter on top.
12. Where Americans have Mexican food and Australians have Asian food, the Finnish have Turkish food. It's not a bad thing. Turkish iskender kebabs are something that need to be embraced internationally. Seriously.
13. Apparently there is something better than sliced bread. And that's rye bread. It comes in many different varieties all properly fermented and baked. Loaves are a thing of the past here. Everything comes in a kind of flattened bread roll form pre-cut in half so that you immediately have your two slices for breakfast with no hassle. Oh, and it's delightful to eat!
14. Supermarkets really are super markets. Like markets on crack. You can buy everything from clothes and shoes to beer, home decor to apples and oranges, rye bread to a self made salad, children's toys and hockey sticks to cast-iron pots. It's a little overwhelming.
15. The word for please and thank-you is the same. Kiitos.
16. Finnish is the only language with more vowels than consonants. It's stunning to listen to, incredibly rhythmical, impossible to learn.
17. There is a fine line of enough clothing between too much and too little. It's a tightrope to walk and it's horrible when you veer off it in either direction.
18. Suicide rates are sky high, it's understandable, Finland likes to "maximise the misery" at times.
19. There is a vast deficit of vitamin D and as such circadian rhythms equate to that of a deaf armadillo playing a bongo drum.
20. Every shift is night shift.
21. Google translate is useless in Finnish.
22. Traditional Sauna experiences are quite a production and are not for the feint hearted. Nakedness is paramount, high temperatures (80-100˚C) followed by sub-zero cool-offs are preferred, alcoholic beverages are most welcome and tree branches are routinely used to bash oneself. And if being hot wasn't enough, you can also try ice-swimming in one of the frozen lakes. Gah.
23. Santa Claus is real. He lives in the Lapland. I'm going to visit his village in a few weeks.
24. Reindeers lose their antlers each winter and grow new ones throughout the year. You can ride them, but from a sleigh behind, not on their back holding the antlers contrary to popular (my) belief.
25. When said with a finnish accent, everything ending with '-gies' or '-ges' will sound like cheese. Sausages = saucy cheese; food allergies = good hard cheese; etc.
26. Candles are used much more often and that's a good thing.
27. Wolverines are a real animal. In fact they're the top of the food chain here. And no they're not talking about Hugh Jackman running around half-naked in their forest.
28. It's completely legal to fire your own fireworks on NYE and many people do creating an impressively random display of fire across the skyline.
29. Barista made coffee is a very modern concept, so are pod coffee machines, it's all filter coffee for the win.
30. Beards are common, and at times extreme.
31. Most people seem to enjoy heavy metal, hip hop, rap, rock. That seems to be the extent of Finland's music scene. Well, that and a few gorgeous symphony orchestras.
32. Polaroid seems to think their films won't work in under 5˚C but I have proof that -9˚C and snowing is okay too.
33. Every apartment block has what looks like a bizarre mini-playground for you to beat your rugs on, with what looks like a tennis racquet sized fly swat.
34. People's names are difficult to keep up with. Particularly if the devil's rolled 'r' is involved.
35. You can do your grocery shopping whenever you like and leave everything from milk to raw meat in the car indefinitely, cars are pretty good refrigerators in the winter. Though, while things might not go off, they may freeze, best not to leave that cider in the shed.
36. Starting the car is a lot of effort. A lot.
37. Seeing the road and street signs in the snow is also a lot of effort.
38. Finnish tomatoes are way more delicious than the spanish or italian varieties.
39. Juice is made via a steaming method, particularly for berries and it's fabulous.
40. You can totally free-boob here all the time, because you're always wearing so many clothes that no-one would ever know.
41. Snow is beautiful, until it's blowing straight in to your eyes.
42. Every apartment block supposedly has a "safe area" or essentially a bomb-proof basement in case of emergency, because, well, Russia is right there you know.
43. Forests are very disorientating as all of the trees look the same, all of the terrain looks the same and all of the sky looks the same. Even the walking tracks and ski paths all look the same. For that reason one should always carry a device with GPS capabilities and hope that it doesn't freeze (literally freeze) before you find your way home again.
44. People frequently walk on water. Jesus doesn't amaze the Finns. They even snow-mobile on water. Just yesterday I walked on water. It was a little terrifying, but I'm told 5cm of ice can hold a car. I survived.
45. Beware of the children. They make you feel horribly inadequate. Not only have they mastered much more of the language by the age of two than you have in however long you've been studying, they can ice skate, ski, snowboard and do most winter activities better than you ever will. God damn.
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