Seven things I learned in the first seven months of dating a foreigner...
1. Australian's are professionals at "nonversation" (AKA completely worthless conversation, or small talk). While America tries it's hand at this every now and then in Starbucks, Australians really are the experts. Whether it be at the grocery store, a coffee shop, in a pub, in a department store, at the markets, on the bus, in the elevator, over the back fence, or even just wandering down the street; Australian's seem to have a deep desire to conduct the most superficial discussions with any human that crosses their path. In fact, "G'day mate, how's it going?" has become the national greeting, so much so that it's barely even a question anymore. But you're still expected to answer. Just not in any great detail, or in fact any detail at all. At the end of the day, it seems there's nothing worse to an Australian than silence. Which leads me to my next point...
2. Australian's can't cope with silence. This became apparent after I observed my parents interacting with my boyfriend. Although he was completely comfortable sitting and sipping his coffee without uttering a single word, they were most distressed that he was bored or uncomfortable, or even more worried that they themselves were boring people. The thing is, where he's from, you only speak when you actually have something to say. Which means when people do speak, there's probably more likely a necessary, interesting, relevant and coherent series of arguments. And when they don't, well, they just enjoy the company and the coffee. To us, however, silence is awkward. Silence indicates dissatisfaction, disinterest, disengagement. Silence, or more accurately awkwardness, needs to be dispelled; and what better to do that than inane bullshit about the weather or sports.
3. Australian wildlife is simultaneously bizarre, terrifying and largely absent from everyday Australian life. It is always the question I enjoy most when travelling - "do you ride the kangaroos?". To which I'd answer - "yes, everyday to school and back". Of course, had these people ever seen a kangaroo, they'd realise that there are many problems inherent to their question. For example, (1) kangaroos aren't domesticated and hence you'd need to be rather animal-savvy, have a large tranquilliser or be very good at boxing to get on the back of one; (2) they jump freaking high, good luck holding onto the relatively short fur and small neck of a kangaroo when they're bouncing along, hello adductors; (3) kangaroos all look fairly similar, and given their ability to jump, a kangaroo parking lot would be a nightmare. But what are kangaroos, I mean they kind of look like a T-rex, crossed with a rat, with the super bouncing ability of a bunny and a tail like no other. Just like platypuses, echidnas, emus, kookaburras, wombats, tassie devils, koalas... While mostly adorable and very unique, they're all rather bizarre and messed up creatures. As for the arachnids and reptiles, there are just too many to name, and all of them could at best seriously injure you, but thankfully they rarely interfere with the humans.
4. Australian sports are equally as bizarre as the animals. If you have ever tried to explain AFL to someone who's never seen it you would get this 100%. It's essentially a cross between basketball, volleyball, touch and soccer, played with the most horribly shaped football, on a cricket field with 4 posts at each end, over four 25+ minute quarters. Watch it though. It's a good game. And it's hilarious to watch fully-grown, exceptionally-fit men run around trying desperately to pick up a ball and dispose of it before being pummelled. Also, this "Australian Football" is really "Melbourne and select pretentious private school's football" so has been endearingly termed "GayFL" by the country folk who prefer rugby.
5. Australia is very far away from everything and everything in Australia is very far apart. In Europe, you can easily travel through 10 countries in two weeks on a bus and still have some time to chill. In Australia, you'd be lucky to get halfway around the coast in two weeks on a bus, and that's without stopping for anything but sleep. It would take longer to circumnavigate Australia than to drive to Finland... If that was possible. Everyone thinks that they've travelled for a long time to get places, but Australian's are just forced to laugh at most. The Belgians thought it was a "long way" to Amsterdam (~2 hours by train); where Brisbanites think Melbourne's basically next door (~2 hours by plane) and Singapore's pretty darn close too (~8 hours by plane), Europe and America are fairly far, but totally doable for a 2 week holiday (~18-24 hours by plane + stopovers). To a European that all just sounds utterly insane. Australia is basically on a different planet. Actually, that's probably accurate not only in terms of distance...
6. Australian's are okay with pseudo-nudity in context, but no more than that. Summer on the east coast means a great deal of very close to nudity on the beach front. In most places, however, it's frowned upon to carry that liberalism any further than 50m in land. Unless it's a pool. That's okay too. Mark my words though, full nudity is a very rare thing to us and such freedom is reserved only for the bed & bath rooms. We don't tend to have open slather change rooms where everybody communally gets their gear off - even the swimming pools will tend to have cubicle showers. It does seem a little silly though sometimes... I mean we're okay with seeing people in a skimpy bikini or the old budgie smugglers (I'm personally not 100% okay with this, but you get the point) in one location, but not okay with it in another; we're not at all okay seeing people in a bra and jocks even though it's basically the same thing made out of cotton instead of whatever togs are made from; and then full-on nudity is just never okay. We're a weird society. We have a very narrow range of acceptable amounts of clothing, take note.
7. Australia's weather problems are not unique, they're just upside down. You know you're in an Australian summer when your car turns into an oven and the seatbelt turns into a branding iron. The air-conditioner never works fast enough. However, it's safe to say that in Finland or anywhere up at that latitude experiences the same problem, just inverted, with the damn heater. We have the perfect temperature indoors during the summer yet freeze ALL THE DAMN TIME for two weeks in winter. They have the perfect temperature indoors all through the winter and then boil for two weeks in the summer... On that note - we think it's freezing as soon as it's below 25 degrees, they think it's boiling over 15. Sigh. As well, while we have a fire danger scale that starts on medium and goes to catastrophic, I'm sure the same could go for snow. I guess the only difference is that snow doesn't usually directly kill people. Often.
Nevertheless, it's been an eye-opening experience dating someone from such a vastly different culture. I highly recommend it. Not only do you get to go through the joy of bipolar in the form of a relationship (together 24/7 or nothing but Skype)... You'll also learn things about your own country that you never knew... You'll visit places on your own soil that you've never seen... And you'll experience Australia in a way that makes you understand why people want to come all the way down under for a visit.
Sunday, 21 June 2015
Thursday, 8 January 2015
Welcome to Finland.
In light of my New Year's adventure, here are forty-five Finnish cultural quirks should you ever make the rather insane decision to travel here in the middle of winter...
1. The clothing to thermometer ratio is thrown way way way out, -5˚C is now considered "warm".
2. Pizza is served un-sliced and they eat it with a knife and fork, even when it's takeaway.
3. Coffee is not just an anytime thing but an all of the time thing, and when you visit you'll understand why.
4. They wash their dishes and place them straight into a cupboard with metal drying racks to drip onto a metal bench top and sink below. Genius. No more dirty tea towels.
5. A "sunny day" in January is somewhat of an oxymoron, it means freezing weather and a sun that inches above the horizon for no more than 4-5 hours, nevertheless it's rather beautiful provided you have enough clothes on.
6. Every house, town house, apartment, etc. has an entry hall or room with coat and shoe racks for both residents and guests. How lovely.
7. They drink juice warm. Alcoholic juice, of course.
8. There is an eerily strong sense of community, yet a very distinct lack of everyday communication. Small talk is not a thing. Smiling to people on the street is not a thing. Well, it is a thing if you do it, but it's received with a great deal of both apprehension and confusion such that you wouldn't continue to do it. Though I will.
9. They are a society based on function, not on beauty.
10. Cheese comes in a large cylindrical fashion and is sliced with ease thanks to a fancy little cheese scraper gadget.
11. Rye crisps are the most delicious things you'll ever taste, particularly with a decent smearing of quality butter on top.
12. Where Americans have Mexican food and Australians have Asian food, the Finnish have Turkish food. It's not a bad thing. Turkish iskender kebabs are something that need to be embraced internationally. Seriously.
13. Apparently there is something better than sliced bread. And that's rye bread. It comes in many different varieties all properly fermented and baked. Loaves are a thing of the past here. Everything comes in a kind of flattened bread roll form pre-cut in half so that you immediately have your two slices for breakfast with no hassle. Oh, and it's delightful to eat!
14. Supermarkets really are super markets. Like markets on crack. You can buy everything from clothes and shoes to beer, home decor to apples and oranges, rye bread to a self made salad, children's toys and hockey sticks to cast-iron pots. It's a little overwhelming.
15. The word for please and thank-you is the same. Kiitos.
16. Finnish is the only language with more vowels than consonants. It's stunning to listen to, incredibly rhythmical, impossible to learn.
17. There is a fine line of enough clothing between too much and too little. It's a tightrope to walk and it's horrible when you veer off it in either direction.
18. Suicide rates are sky high, it's understandable, Finland likes to "maximise the misery" at times.
19. There is a vast deficit of vitamin D and as such circadian rhythms equate to that of a deaf armadillo playing a bongo drum.
20. Every shift is night shift.
21. Google translate is useless in Finnish.
22. Traditional Sauna experiences are quite a production and are not for the feint hearted. Nakedness is paramount, high temperatures (80-100˚C) followed by sub-zero cool-offs are preferred, alcoholic beverages are most welcome and tree branches are routinely used to bash oneself. And if being hot wasn't enough, you can also try ice-swimming in one of the frozen lakes. Gah.
23. Santa Claus is real. He lives in the Lapland. I'm going to visit his village in a few weeks.
24. Reindeers lose their antlers each winter and grow new ones throughout the year. You can ride them, but from a sleigh behind, not on their back holding the antlers contrary to popular (my) belief.
25. When said with a finnish accent, everything ending with '-gies' or '-ges' will sound like cheese. Sausages = saucy cheese; food allergies = good hard cheese; etc.
26. Candles are used much more often and that's a good thing.
27. Wolverines are a real animal. In fact they're the top of the food chain here. And no they're not talking about Hugh Jackman running around half-naked in their forest.
28. It's completely legal to fire your own fireworks on NYE and many people do creating an impressively random display of fire across the skyline.
29. Barista made coffee is a very modern concept, so are pod coffee machines, it's all filter coffee for the win.
30. Beards are common, and at times extreme.
31. Most people seem to enjoy heavy metal, hip hop, rap, rock. That seems to be the extent of Finland's music scene. Well, that and a few gorgeous symphony orchestras.
32. Polaroid seems to think their films won't work in under 5˚C but I have proof that -9˚C and snowing is okay too.
33. Every apartment block has what looks like a bizarre mini-playground for you to beat your rugs on, with what looks like a tennis racquet sized fly swat.
34. People's names are difficult to keep up with. Particularly if the devil's rolled 'r' is involved.
35. You can do your grocery shopping whenever you like and leave everything from milk to raw meat in the car indefinitely, cars are pretty good refrigerators in the winter. Though, while things might not go off, they may freeze, best not to leave that cider in the shed.
36. Starting the car is a lot of effort. A lot.
37. Seeing the road and street signs in the snow is also a lot of effort.
38. Finnish tomatoes are way more delicious than the spanish or italian varieties.
39. Juice is made via a steaming method, particularly for berries and it's fabulous.
40. You can totally free-boob here all the time, because you're always wearing so many clothes that no-one would ever know.
41. Snow is beautiful, until it's blowing straight in to your eyes.
42. Every apartment block supposedly has a "safe area" or essentially a bomb-proof basement in case of emergency, because, well, Russia is right there you know.
43. Forests are very disorientating as all of the trees look the same, all of the terrain looks the same and all of the sky looks the same. Even the walking tracks and ski paths all look the same. For that reason one should always carry a device with GPS capabilities and hope that it doesn't freeze (literally freeze) before you find your way home again.
44. People frequently walk on water. Jesus doesn't amaze the Finns. They even snow-mobile on water. Just yesterday I walked on water. It was a little terrifying, but I'm told 5cm of ice can hold a car. I survived.
45. Beware of the children. They make you feel horribly inadequate. Not only have they mastered much more of the language by the age of two than you have in however long you've been studying, they can ice skate, ski, snowboard and do most winter activities better than you ever will. God damn.
1. The clothing to thermometer ratio is thrown way way way out, -5˚C is now considered "warm".
2. Pizza is served un-sliced and they eat it with a knife and fork, even when it's takeaway.
3. Coffee is not just an anytime thing but an all of the time thing, and when you visit you'll understand why.
4. They wash their dishes and place them straight into a cupboard with metal drying racks to drip onto a metal bench top and sink below. Genius. No more dirty tea towels.
5. A "sunny day" in January is somewhat of an oxymoron, it means freezing weather and a sun that inches above the horizon for no more than 4-5 hours, nevertheless it's rather beautiful provided you have enough clothes on.
6. Every house, town house, apartment, etc. has an entry hall or room with coat and shoe racks for both residents and guests. How lovely.
7. They drink juice warm. Alcoholic juice, of course.
8. There is an eerily strong sense of community, yet a very distinct lack of everyday communication. Small talk is not a thing. Smiling to people on the street is not a thing. Well, it is a thing if you do it, but it's received with a great deal of both apprehension and confusion such that you wouldn't continue to do it. Though I will.
9. They are a society based on function, not on beauty.
10. Cheese comes in a large cylindrical fashion and is sliced with ease thanks to a fancy little cheese scraper gadget.
11. Rye crisps are the most delicious things you'll ever taste, particularly with a decent smearing of quality butter on top.
12. Where Americans have Mexican food and Australians have Asian food, the Finnish have Turkish food. It's not a bad thing. Turkish iskender kebabs are something that need to be embraced internationally. Seriously.
13. Apparently there is something better than sliced bread. And that's rye bread. It comes in many different varieties all properly fermented and baked. Loaves are a thing of the past here. Everything comes in a kind of flattened bread roll form pre-cut in half so that you immediately have your two slices for breakfast with no hassle. Oh, and it's delightful to eat!
14. Supermarkets really are super markets. Like markets on crack. You can buy everything from clothes and shoes to beer, home decor to apples and oranges, rye bread to a self made salad, children's toys and hockey sticks to cast-iron pots. It's a little overwhelming.
15. The word for please and thank-you is the same. Kiitos.
16. Finnish is the only language with more vowels than consonants. It's stunning to listen to, incredibly rhythmical, impossible to learn.
17. There is a fine line of enough clothing between too much and too little. It's a tightrope to walk and it's horrible when you veer off it in either direction.
18. Suicide rates are sky high, it's understandable, Finland likes to "maximise the misery" at times.
19. There is a vast deficit of vitamin D and as such circadian rhythms equate to that of a deaf armadillo playing a bongo drum.
20. Every shift is night shift.
21. Google translate is useless in Finnish.
22. Traditional Sauna experiences are quite a production and are not for the feint hearted. Nakedness is paramount, high temperatures (80-100˚C) followed by sub-zero cool-offs are preferred, alcoholic beverages are most welcome and tree branches are routinely used to bash oneself. And if being hot wasn't enough, you can also try ice-swimming in one of the frozen lakes. Gah.
23. Santa Claus is real. He lives in the Lapland. I'm going to visit his village in a few weeks.
24. Reindeers lose their antlers each winter and grow new ones throughout the year. You can ride them, but from a sleigh behind, not on their back holding the antlers contrary to popular (my) belief.
25. When said with a finnish accent, everything ending with '-gies' or '-ges' will sound like cheese. Sausages = saucy cheese; food allergies = good hard cheese; etc.
26. Candles are used much more often and that's a good thing.
27. Wolverines are a real animal. In fact they're the top of the food chain here. And no they're not talking about Hugh Jackman running around half-naked in their forest.
28. It's completely legal to fire your own fireworks on NYE and many people do creating an impressively random display of fire across the skyline.
29. Barista made coffee is a very modern concept, so are pod coffee machines, it's all filter coffee for the win.
30. Beards are common, and at times extreme.
31. Most people seem to enjoy heavy metal, hip hop, rap, rock. That seems to be the extent of Finland's music scene. Well, that and a few gorgeous symphony orchestras.
32. Polaroid seems to think their films won't work in under 5˚C but I have proof that -9˚C and snowing is okay too.
33. Every apartment block has what looks like a bizarre mini-playground for you to beat your rugs on, with what looks like a tennis racquet sized fly swat.
34. People's names are difficult to keep up with. Particularly if the devil's rolled 'r' is involved.
35. You can do your grocery shopping whenever you like and leave everything from milk to raw meat in the car indefinitely, cars are pretty good refrigerators in the winter. Though, while things might not go off, they may freeze, best not to leave that cider in the shed.
36. Starting the car is a lot of effort. A lot.
37. Seeing the road and street signs in the snow is also a lot of effort.
38. Finnish tomatoes are way more delicious than the spanish or italian varieties.
39. Juice is made via a steaming method, particularly for berries and it's fabulous.
40. You can totally free-boob here all the time, because you're always wearing so many clothes that no-one would ever know.
41. Snow is beautiful, until it's blowing straight in to your eyes.
42. Every apartment block supposedly has a "safe area" or essentially a bomb-proof basement in case of emergency, because, well, Russia is right there you know.
43. Forests are very disorientating as all of the trees look the same, all of the terrain looks the same and all of the sky looks the same. Even the walking tracks and ski paths all look the same. For that reason one should always carry a device with GPS capabilities and hope that it doesn't freeze (literally freeze) before you find your way home again.
44. People frequently walk on water. Jesus doesn't amaze the Finns. They even snow-mobile on water. Just yesterday I walked on water. It was a little terrifying, but I'm told 5cm of ice can hold a car. I survived.
45. Beware of the children. They make you feel horribly inadequate. Not only have they mastered much more of the language by the age of two than you have in however long you've been studying, they can ice skate, ski, snowboard and do most winter activities better than you ever will. God damn.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)