Daring to be Danish

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Over a year since I last put pixels on these pages, it seems like about time that I did so again. For those who know me (Hi Mum 😂), you are probably aware that about 7 months ago I jumped on a plane to Europe and haven't been back to Australia since. However, given my love for good design, my apparent affinity to Scandinavian men, my absurd fascination with snow, my utter detest for 40+ degree Australian summer days, and my ultra-pasty complexion; it's really no surprise that I have ended up residing in northern Denmark.

In recent times, Scandinavia in general has seemed to be 'in fashion'. From the millions of books and articles written about hygge (an exclusive and elusive Danish cultural construct of cozy contentedness), to the craze over mass-produced pseudo-designer pieces at H&M and IKEA (thanks Sweden), to the rebirth of Nokia (cheers Finland)... this region has become popularized, to the rest of the world, as a homogeneous socialist utopia of high-functioning, happy, environmentally-conscious, tall, attractive (almost) albinos. To be honest, it's not that far from the truth. However, there are quite distinct eccentricities of each little nation up here, so I'd like to add a few more points for anyone looking at embarking on the journey North.

In a previous post (~2 years ago now) I covered my first impressions of Finland, which you can find here --> http://mcpheet.blogspot.dk/2015/01/welcome-to-finland.html ... But now it's time to move west, to the little but mighty land of Bacon. So, here you go, these are 50 highlights of Denmark and Danish culture observed through the eyes of an Australian...

1. Everybody speaks near-perfect English, but if you move here, everyone will use this ability to tell you that you must learn Danish. 
2. Learning Danish is difficult. Free language lessons are provided by the government, which is awesome, but the language itself is impossible to pronounce without sounding like you are either about to vomit or you have a mouthful of potato.  
3. "Slut spurt", or more correctly "udsalgs slut spurt", means there's an end-of-season sale on, not that you have stumbled into the red light district, as one might imagine. 
4. If a Dane asks you to pronounce "Rødgrød med fløde" (red porridge with cream), politely decline, it is only for their own amusement. 
5. If you learn the dialect of the city you're in, Danes less than 100km away may struggle to understand you. (How utterly ridiculous)
6. Speaking of languages, dance is universal. You don't need to understand what the teacher says to know what they're saying, even in Denmark.  
7. Generally, the common styles of jazz, contemporary, tap, ballet and musical theatre have just not caught on here. Ballroom and latin are popular though, as is hip hop and some strange form of aerobics. Weird.
8. Nakedness is everywhere. If you join a gym, go to a pool, or even just stroll down to the fjord/beach on a summer's evening, be prepared to see a lot of genitals parading to and from the showers.
9. G-strings are very popular. I should not, nor do I want to know this, but I go to the gym.
10. Cycling is the transport of choice, come hail or shine. 
11. Choosing to take the bus out to the university in the winter is a sign of weakness.
12. There is no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing. (Note: this was originally said by a Brit, namely Wainwright, but is certainly embodied by the Danes).
13. Functional is fashionable. You must be able to cycle in your attire, meaning high heels are often rather impractical, so Nike frees are 'in'. 
14. There are so many bikes, yet so little lycra and clip-in duck shoes. It seems like the epitome of modernism for it to be completely normal for one to ride to and from work in a suit/dress.  (Brisbane, please take note)
15. Black is the new black. Colour is not really popular here. In fact, it is perfectly acceptable to wear a black dress/tights or a black shirt/jeans, with black shoes, black coat, black gloves and a black scarf to any event. Grey is also acceptable. Occasionally dark green, navy or maroon will suffice, but black is definitely preferred. 
16. Your jeans must match the season. There will be no remotely light coloured jeans worn in winter - this is completely unacceptable behaviour. Again, black jeans are preferable, but very dark (so dark that you can barely tell they're not black) denim is also okay.
17. If you visit somebody, (or live with a Dane) wear socks or hjemmesko (literally home-shoes) - bare feet are an abomination.
18. Light blonde dead-straight hair seems to be the most common style for young women. A long straight pony-tail or gravity-defying bun will also be tolerated. 
19. For men, vast quantities of wax is required, and one should not leave the house until every single hair is glued into an abnormal near-vertical position.
20. Bring chapstick - the wind here is something else entirely. 
21. Never before was I so aware of the weather and wind direction. Wind from the South - beautiful, wind from the North - freezing, wind from the East - go fishing. 
22. Go fishing. It's probably more of a thing in the coastal towns, but there are so many delicious fish to be caught here - herring, mackerel, flat fish - and there's something so satisfying about catching your own dinner. (Just don't make me touch the slimy little suckers - eww!)
23. Get a better jacket. It must not only be warm, but also windproof and waterproof as the weather here can change in an instant. Pockets are also handy when on a bike. If you have a choice of colours, you should, selvfølgelig (of course), always choose black.
24. Danes are supposedly the happiest people in the world, but it is certainly not immediately apparent from their general facial expressions. Smiles, at least between strangers on the street or in a cashier encounter, are rather rare. Maybe it's the sky-high prescription rate of anti-depressants up here that does the trick. 
25. They do seem like they have their priorities straight though - work/life balance is important and as such leaving work soon after lunch on a Friday isn't uncommon. 
26. Cake also seems to be a priority. Once a week we have a cake morning at work whereby everybody stops for half an hour to eat cake (or bread) and chat. This should be universal. (Note: it is never actually cake in the Australian sense, more often pastry or just sugar coated dough-y things, but still...)
27. Wages are relatively high in pretty much any sector, though taxes are also high, but the fruit of those taxes is clearly evident in the healthcare and education sectors. 
28. Not so evident in the public citizen service, mind you. Danes are generally very efficient people, but for some reason all efficiency is lost as soon as you enter the glass doors of the Kommune Borgerservice. I do appreciate the Central Person Registry (CPR-number) system though - having one number that ties all of your personal information together makes going to the doctor or getting a tax card much less arduous. 
29. On the topic of education - you get paid to go to school here. I find this to be a little insane, and the government do seem to be paring it back a little, but you can earn ~$1000 AUD per month just for going to university (where of course the tuition is also free). This means anyone can afford to go to university, no matter their parent's financial status. That's freedom for you America. PhD students also get paid comparatively well, are treated as employees, get their own desk and can get any necessary equipment all included. What a life!
30. The general age at which people finish high-school is 19-20 and then they begin university around 20-22. For comparison, I finished my first degree (a 4-year Bachelor) aged 20. As a result, people here seem to have a better idea of what they actually want to do with their lives, rather than taking a stab in the dark when they're 16 and hoping for the best. 
31. Coffee is like rocket fuel. Nevertheless, you will learn to drink copious amounts of this strong bitter black filter coffee just to stay awake through the winter and you will learn to love it.
32. Food here has very particular friendship groups which should not be tampered with. For example, pickled herring goes only with the strange curry mayonnaise-y salad-y thing and purple onion on rye bread; shrimp only goes with mayonnaise, sliced boiled egg and caviar on rye bread; pork roast will be served hot with boiled potatoes, sauce and boiled red cabbage. Don't you dare buy one item alone and dare to put it on or with something else, it upsets the poor Danes no end. (Well, the obsessive ones at least...)
33. Danish hot dogs are the best hot dogs. Much dog, many crunch, so yum. But seriously, why has remoulade and crunchy fried onion stayed confined to this tiny little region? We have made shitty hamburgers global, yet this deliciousness isn't available anywhere else. What a cruel world we live in. 
34. One of the other toppings is raw white onion. I didn't know you could eat raw white onion. I thought it would make your intestines cry, but no, it's actually quite delicious and probably quite healthy. 
35. Also, rye bread. The world needs more rye bread.
36. Apparently there is an increasing obesity epidemic in Denmark (as in the rest of the western world), but you wouldn't know it living in one of their cities. I am yet to see many that I would consider obese by the rest of the world's standards. 
37. Bacon. Danish bacon is the best bacon. They have more pigs than people (or so I've been told as I'm yet to see a live pig here), so pork is a big deal.
38. Potatoes will be served whole-boiled and at every dinner. This isn't really just a Danish thing, and it's certainly not the case in my household, but it seems most of the Northern European countries believe that potatoes are their own food group and that boiling them is the only way they can be eaten.  
39. Candy is everywhere. Literally. Everywhere. And on Fridays you can mix and match your own bag for ~$1-2 / 100g. Danes seemingly consume obscene amounts of candy. Now I mention it, maybe this, combined with the potatoes and bacon, could have something to do with the aforementioned obesity / happiness... 
40. People seem very modest at first, but talk to a Dane long enough and you will most certainly hear about the Vikings and when they ruled the Earth.
41. If you're moving here from Australia, you should probably read up on Princess Mary. It's generally expected that you know her entire back story. The monarchy is generally very popular, though also somewhat of a juxtaposition to the modern equal society that they hold so dearly. Nevertheless, the Queen seems like quite a cool lady and always sets the country straight in her annual New Year's speech. 
42. Christmas here is magical. The lights, the Christmas markets, the candles in the windows, Tivoli, Julbryg (christmas beer), Gløgg (mulled wine), Æbleskiver (the most damn delicious little balls of pancake/dough stuff served with jam and sugar) - it is all wonderful!
43. Christmas here is also terrifying. Open flames, electric fairy lights, dried trees and paper decorations should not be put together, and certainly not with multiple people dancing around the combination half-sozzled from the rather alcohol-heavy Christmas lunch.  
44. Alcohol is super cheap. Over the holiday season I found many a bottle of hard liquor on offer for less than $10 AUD, beer can usually be snaffled for less than 50c AUD a can/bottle, and a bottle of wine over $10 AUD is considered expensive.
45. You can drink your own alcohol pretty much whenever and wherever you like. It is rather nice that you can wander down to the waterfront with your beer or take a bottle of wine up to the park for a picnic on the one summer day they have here per year. 
46. You need not be concerned about going out. Of course one should always have their wits about them, but this is the only place I've ever felt completely safe journeying home alone at night.
47. The whole population seems to be design conscious. Apparently kids are taught about famous Danish designers in school - which seems like a brilliant idea. Of course nothing screams affluence more than an Arne Jacobsen Egg chair, or a Verner Panton Globe lamp, but even the "cheap" furniture stores have nice, simple, modern and functional pieces to make a cozy home. 
48. Lighting is very important. Never would you ever, EVER, put a fluorescent bulb in your house. A collection of dimming lamps with energy efficient 'warm white' bulbs are the only way.
49. You must have a Kay Bojesen wooden animal. We have a monkey and a sausage dog, but seriously, they are all adorable. Get one, or seven. 
50. There is a national obsession with the Dannebrog (Danish flag). This is the only place I have ever seen the national flag put on buses at least once a fortnight for some trivial event, flown outside random countryside houses, put up for birthdays (and seemingly any other celebration), and used to decorate a Christmas tree. If you dare try the same patriotism with your own flag while here, beware: Should you fly another flag higher than the Danish flag, you are signalling that you wish to declare war... So maybe just don't fly your flag, if you want to continue to reside here in peace. 

So there you go... I'm sure the list about these peculiar people and their little land could go on much longer, but I'll leave that for another day. Denmark really is great. If you get a chance, you should definitely come and visit - but do beware, you might just fall-in-love with one of those dastardly Danes and then your life will never be the same again. Never again will you be able to eat a sausage on bread without longing for remoulade and fried onions, or live in a house with cluttered clunky furniture lit by fluorescent bulbs, or even just walk outside without looking at DMI's (Danish Meteorological Institute's) roll-of-the-dice weather predictions and taking a coat just in case!

Vi ses!